my husband defends his sister over me

Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Is this just the trend of celebrations now and I should go along with it? I'm not that kind of spouse but I'm getting to the point to where I'm about to say what is on my mind. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All rights reserved. He says no. But ultimately, the decision is yours and anyone who needs a complete explanation to respect your wishes is not a good friend. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. Q. 2. All this is to say, maybe your husband is crossing a line and not telling you, or maybe hes not and your demands are simply pushing him away. A: How wrenching, and I hope you do turn to your family and friends who will support you through this tough time. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. I am all for maintaining family harmony (and hanging in there to support my sister), which is why I have kept silent, but Im at the point where I want to give her all this information and let the chips fall where they may. Learn how your comment data is processed. While theres nothing sexual in their messages, and he assures me they are only friends, I have repeatedly expressed my displeasure and discomfort about the situation. My cousin is a quiet and kind person who has never had a bad word to say about anyone. Emily Yoffe. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. My Friend Is Furious With Me for Ignoring Her Medical Crisis. Will there be fallout? I'm not mad at my MIL for being nice to my husband's ex. Should I? Since it has been quite some time since I went through these rituals, I expected them to change. What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? If he's not, divorce him and find someone better. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. If you want to create not just trust but closeness in your marriage, youll need to allow room for the truth by inviting it in. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. Good morning - Well I brought it up last night and at first it did not go well. He completely denied there was even an issue. Denied he gets upset, Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page. My sister didnt tell me until I called her to inquire about something and found out she was at the hospital with him. But ultimatums dont do muchthey might seem to resolve the dilemma, but often they simply drive the real issue underground. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. You tell as much as youre ready. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. What may have started off as privacytexts between friendshas now moved into secrecy, not necessarily because hes doing anything wrong, but because of something going on between the two of you. it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th Before the baby comes, you and your husband need to get on the same page as far as dealing with his family is concerned. He knew, he knows. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. WebMy in-laws had a very high-conflict marriage, they separated 3-4 times over the course of their marriage, twice because of problems with their own respective parents/in-laws. Q. I think nice conversation and a hug would be sufficient not multiple hugs and kisses and numerous I love you's within a few minutes. Ok, hope that makes more sense than my last comment. Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex. Am I ok, maybe just a little too concerned or is this something I should talk about with someone? Lets say your husband is defending a friendship he has with another woman. I go out of my way to be nice to them and don't ever have disagreements with his family or anything. Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. Often when people feel betrayed, theyre so wrapped up in hurt and anxiety that they lack curiosity about the person they feel betrayed by. He acts like they are his number one priority. He's definitely doing that on purpose. I don't exactly see that is speaking ill of her. Our capabilities go beyond HVAC ductwork fabrication, inquire about other specialty items you may need and we will be happy to try and accommodate your needs. Please dont do it again.. First of all I don't speak ill of my MIL and never have. A: Im always going to vote for prioritizing the innocent nonracists over the racist. Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. Because they are new to the household, women rely on their husband for protection. But in their home the adults are supposed to explain what is and isnt acceptable behavior. When I offered to go to the hospital to be with her, she made a disgusted noise and said, Like you care. No, I dont care about him. I don't expect her to be mean or rude but she doesn't have to go out of her way with the hugs, kisses and I love yous to the ex-wife( she has been the ex-wife for 19 years). He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! Perhaps its a workmate who enjoys crossing the line. Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. So slap on a smile and be grateful to be included. Q. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. Is it time to out myself as a recovering alcoholic, or is there some other way to get him to stop? It could be that your husbands sister has some sort of personality disorder so everyone tiptoes around her in order to try and keep the peace. It surely sounds as if he has some kind of sleep disorder and likely its treatable. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I miss the days of one bridal shower, a ceremony in a church, and cake in the church basement. WebYou can never separate a husband from his mom. In addition, I hope he is independently wealthy, or has fantastically in-demand professional skills, because quitting his job over her death indicates hes gone off the deep end. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. He tells me I am overreacting and that I should get over it. He lies and tells me they no longer text, until he gets caught red-handed again. Q. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Knowing this was the cause of our argument yesterday (just prior to my typing my initial email). What can you do to break this deadlock? Re: Is there a happy medium? My fianc and I want to start planning our wedding, but were not sure how to navigate having both families there. I have been married for 20+ years now. But the thought of going through this number of events for two more kids is exhausting. A: Thank you for simply revealing your pregnancy and not having a gender reveal party. Our parents were mostly living paycheck to paycheck. The issue isn't about the ex, that was an example of what happened recently. A: I think you should first talk to your cousin. However, if He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. Be kind and polite, but firm. He is currently being hospitalized for some heart issues. By curiosity, I mean that instead of arguing about your husbands texts, have you been able to step back and try to understand why this friendship is important to him; what hes getting from it that he may be missing in other parts of his life (perhaps feeling seen, understood, respected, enjoyed? These are: 1. My MIL says she cannot stand my husbands ex and doesn't want to have anything to do with her so that is why I said what I said. Of course youre reeling over these events, so if he wont see a counselor with you, consider going alone. That gives him the space to work on those issues. Now, I always suspected this was because I am not very bigIm about 3.5 inches erect, and I tend to ejaculate quickly. I wonder if one reason that your MIL has kind of gone out of her way to be nice to your husband's ex is since she's seen what this woman will do if so inclined . My husband says I should apologize and just let his sisters comment go. Because of this, it could well be that your husband is totally unaware that he is actually choosing you over his family. Hes told you flat out he cant work on his marriage because hes too torn up about the death of the woman he loved. A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. Q. Celebration Overload: I have three sons in their late 20s and early 30s. I think they really do know how disfunctional the family is deep down but like with anything else they are protective and defensive. If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. Children pick up these disrespectful cues Similarly, theyre so wrapped up in anger and self-righteousness that they lack curiosity about themselves. i agr.ee with ( specialmom )just focus on him .Forget the rest. I asked him you are a mamas boy. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. I really do understand. We were very much in love, so this will come as a shock to everyoneit was a shock to me! MedHelp is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. Q. I think I may show this thread to my husband. This happened in my family, although the racist relative was not an immediate family member. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. My Husband Is Mourning His Dead Mistress: Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. Right now your position is: End the texting or Ill leave. He just denied everything. His mother went overboard with affection to the person she claims to hate. I think, since were technically living with my parents, we should ask for their blessing before we start trying. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. I cant imagine how hes going to explain that departure to potential employers. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. By using this Site you agree to the following, By using this Site you agree to the following. I guess he thought I took it to far by saying "I know and I don't know why your mother feels she as to be so affectionate with her especially if she can't stand her and says that she does not want to speak to her". But it sounds as if youre both employed and making good financial choices. Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. The oldest is married with a young child and my youngest is engaged. I love this guy a lot. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere?

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